what's your song?

there were times when i find myself asking: what song should be played in my funeral/burial?

morbid? nah. just one of those random thoughts. to which i really dont have an answer to.

hmmm...

all i know is that i dont want to die a second death.

and this is a promise i will try to keep for papalang...

i miss you.

to that guy who's smile melts me

you amuse us with stories of your youth. of your battles with the demons and bad spirits; your adventures and misadventures when you were a lot younger. you amaze me with your simplicity - you smile when given a new shirt or when you see us smiling as well even though sometimes, you don't recognize any of us at all. your laugh and funny antics make me feel at home. despite the bad hearing and memory gap, just being with you humbles me. seeing you together with mamalang makes me believe that good things do last. i remember seeing you sitting on that chair, mindless of the noise and running of your other apos, it makes me wonder what it's like when i reach your age. and i remember silently praying that i would see the same thing as you do - a beautiful chaos and that person who's there with you even after all these years.

now that you have moved on to a better place, i felt as if my heart stopped for a second. i will miss visiting you and mamalang, joining the chaos with the rest of the gang. i will miss your stories, your smile; the way you innocently asks for a bill or a peso; the way you tease us, answer our silly questions. i will miss the sight of you and mamalang together - you being a child and mamalang scolding you. haha. sigh.

it will never be the same without you, papalang.

but i know that wherever you are, you still have that charming smile. that you don't feel any pain, hearing's a lot better and that you remember all the names of your sons, daughters and grandchildren. i just hope you know how much i love you despite not being able to sit at your side all the time, despite the limited time we spent together, despite me being here and you sitting on your chair.

i'm thankful for the memories. for the love and the warmth everytime i'm with you. for teaching me things without even saying a word. for being one of your grandchild. for being loved without question nor asked anything in return.

thank you for remembering who i am, recognizing my face even if we haven't seen each other for a long time.

thank you, papalang. enjoy your stay there and please don't forget to always look after my dad (remember, your fave son? :D ) and keep him safe and in good health while he's still with us, ok?

i love you. i miss you.

3:18am

3am. day after a quick trip back home, back to reality.
or maybe, the alternate world.

home. i crave for the long drives, the chats, the warmth. dining in together.
the comfort. the peaceful noise.

peace. something that i'd love to have for Christmas.
if only it can come in a box with a big, red ribbon tied around it.

that and good health.
that and good sleep.
that and enough time for everything.

that and truth and faith.
that and genuine, heart-melting smile.

all of these, for Christmas.
and the days to come - not only for me but for the ones i love.

hmmm

i have this odd feeling and its not good. something tells me to be cautious. of what? im not sure. but just be cautious.

so im listening to this voice but still keeping my cool.

all i know is that im not that stupid nor naive even when people think i am.

learning maybe

just realized that i might need some time to learn this maybe. its not something that is easy to put your mind into. i guess, it makes me feel everything is short-changed. that there's no high nor low, no intensity, no wide smiles nor waterfalls. just poker face. but that aint fun at all.

but maybe, a balance is all that's needed. learning maybe is something that should help one to manage expectations, handle emotions, control reactions. it makes you wiser but at the end of it, what is really gained and what is lost? if one outweighs the other, then its time to do something.

or is this just a part of it? am i not seeing the whole picture?

maybe.

across the world

for the lonely hearts
for the one who bleeds now
and constantly

for the tired souls
for questions without answers
for answers that still have questions
for none at all

for you and the rest of the world
who's struggling to breathe
in this closed box
with a knife peeking through

for you and anyone
who may need a voice
an affirming hand
a promise that
this, too, shall pass

have a little faith

blessed

today i'm thankful that its my sis' birthday, otherwise, everything's down the drain
i'm thankful that i remember the good times we had
those struts in the mall, small chats, long drive
getting lost and going around in circles

im thankful that i have her as my sis
though bonding time is always limited, atleast she makes me feel
missed and loved
im humbled by our friendship

im thankful that another year is given to her
it means another year of trips and hang-outs
of agreements and arguments
of nonsense and no nonsense things

im thankful that today is her birthday
that despite feeling off and odd
im reminded why i need to stand up again and again
im reminded that im still blessed despite and in spite of

happy birthday, sis! ^_^
dont forget to thank Him for all the blessings
enjoy your day and yes, take that one shot for me, too.
haha!

i love you and i miss you...

i'll be home soon...